before I get to deep and perso... oops, too late

It's 3:30 in the morning as I type and I'm not in the least bit sleepy. I've watched two movies, both of them alright, not great but alright and I know I need to go to bed because I don't wont to be all tired and ill tomorrow, because I've promised myself not to ruin every ones weekend. I've been on somewhat of an emotional roller coaster the last, well I was going to say weeks but I think really it's been a lot longer than that, it's just been more pronounced in the last few weeks. My new job comes with some stress, I mean it's not like I'm running the company or anything but it's more stress than I'm use to dealing with. At work anyway, at home with five children stress can be a way of life. One day last week when I was feeling down (I don't know if maybe I'm somewhat manic/depressive or maybe slightly bipolar, can you be slightly bipolar? Or is that like being kinda pregnant? How many sentences can you put in a parentheses? Personally I think maybe it's a dietary imbalance and lack of exercise, I've got to get back on the treadmill.) I thought maybe I'd missed my calling in life and what I was suppose to be was a loner/stoner. This coming from a man who not only didn't inhale but never even came close to trying drugs. When I was young I was to much of a straight arrow and now I've got a job with random drug testing and people depending on me, not only for food and shelter but also to be a ,gasp, role model. There just seem to be days when I feel really down and then I start contemplating the seeming meaninglessness of life, the constant cycle of work, home, work, home, stress, stress, stress and why? So we can grow old and feeble? I see really old people that can barley walk, some with bent over backs, many half blind and deaf and I get scared. Because all of them were at one time young handsome or beautiful people with kids and careers and a future and now so many are just barley getting buy and I think that will be me. And it scares the shit out of me. I think I'd rather die than become feeble and then I think of death and then I think why do we put up with so much crap in our lives, why aren't we all hedonists or something? Well I think were not hedonists because even though life seems short at times 80 or so years is actually a long time and we don't want to live for the moment now and regret it for the rest of our lives, we don't want to do something to mess up our lives or get something that keeps flaring up for the next 60 years. I suppose these are the thoughts and fears of middle aged men, I blame my job (although to be honest I've felt this way while still on the old job sometimes to), I sometimes blame the kids and life in generally but I think what it really is is that I've come to the point where I'm no longer young and I feel and when I look in the mirror see old age creeping up on me. This is, I believe one of the main reasons people invent religions, to make life worth living by having a goal to work toward. Life isn't pointless if your storing up treasure in heaven are working toward salvation or trying for a higher rung on the karma ladder. Yes my belief is that religions are for a)explaining the unexplainable, b)helping us confront death, c)helping us confront life and d)for laws and social order. I would not hazard to write this blog if I weren't currently feeling better to do so while I was in a down mode would end in catastrophe, it would be such a negative downer that any one reading it would need a prescription for happy pills. As it is I've 'gotten over myself', that's my way of putting it. Whenever I go into one of these dives I know that all I have to do is forget myself, let go of the negativity, embrace life and laughter and family and friends and I can get over it. It generally takes a few days to come back 'up' and it probably takes a few days to get 'down' as well but I don't generally notice it until I'm already feeling on skid row. One of the reasons I tried to follow the Hallelujah Acres diet for a while was that one of it's many health claims was that it could even out mood swings and some, I'm not sure how to word this- mental problems, that's not there wording but you get the idea. And you know when I first started on it I did feel really good for a while but then I had a hard time staying on the diet and eventually gave it up all together. But after the last couple of weeks I think maybe it might be worth another try. The worst of it is the major sufferer in this isn't even me but Rainey, she sees it more than anyone else. She has to put up with me getting sulky and withdrawn and very irritable, there's been days when I didn't talk at all unless I had to and I don't want to put her through that. She's had enough hard times and heart aches over the years to not have to deal with any more. I'm not sure where I'm going with this blog, I had planned to talk about the movies I just watched- Hot Tub Time Machine and Funny People, and to try and crack a few jokes but it seems I've went off the deep end by mistake. I hope you'll forgive me for not being entertaining or informative this time and I hope each of you (if any one sees this as I don't believe I'll post it to facebook) has a wonderful 4th of July holiday. I'm going to make myself go to sleep now in hopes that I don't ruin the weekend tomorrow.