No buisness like show buisness.

For weeks before Plaid auditions I kept saying I can't sing harmonies, I'm not going to audition. The day before Plaid auditions I said I can't sing harmonies, but it might be neat to try. Then of course the day of auditions I had my happy little arse singing in the basement of the arts council. When I first read some of Rabbit Hole last year I said that's too intense of a role, I don't know if I'd want to do that. A few weeks ago I said that's a really intense role I think it'd be neat to do, but I've done two shows already this season so I probably wont audition. Well last night I had my happy little arse auditioning in the basement of the arts council. It's a cool role in an award wining drama, that has many laughs and many tears and a we'll make it, we'll persevere kind of ending. Time will tell whether I make it into three shows in a row or not. Don't worry I wont be going through this with Fools, GSCT's last show for this season, I've been saying for months that I want to audition for Fools. Fools was the first show I ever did with GSCT a few millennium ago, so it'd be cool to revisit the start of all this. So unless I switch it up and bail on Fools then the wishy-washy streak will come to an end.

Confidence?

A recent quote of mine from a conversation with some supportive fiends - "You know me and confidence, we're not on the best of terms." You would think someone who has no problem getting on stage and being the dancing monkey (hopefully an entertaining and talented one) would not be lacking in confidence, you'd be wrong. You see acting and performing have always come naturally to me, I use to put on shows for pretend audiences in my backyard as a kid. But when it comes to doing something new or different I get all gummy beared inside. It's not so much a feeling of fear as a feeling of certitude of failure, I know it's not rational I've succeeded in as many things as I've failed, possibly more. But it's there. Every time I order something for others at a restaurant I know I'm going to screw it up, every time I think of playing the guitar I know I'll quit before I learn, every time I think I can do, or be better I end up knowing that I can't. Sometimes I get a little brave, a little the little engine that could and I try things- some work out (the show Forever Plaid), some don't (team leader position at work). The crazy thing is I know it's not about ability or talent it's all about sustaining the courage to see an undertaking all the way through and not quitting when it gets tough. This really came to a head yesterday as I heard (through the grapevine) of a job opening that my degree might actually be useful for and help me get and as I looked at the job and it's requirements I kept thinking I can't do that, I need to just keep doing what I've been doing, I'm good at what I do now, I shouldn't try to advance to do 'better' and it was very frustrating. I'm afraid I don't have any happy ending, silver lining for this blog, no funny epitaph to close with. Sometimes risks pay off, I'm going to get ready for a show I said I couldn't do (very tight harmonies I didn't think I could get)that has gone smashingly well and sometimes they don't, I just need to find the confidence to try.